I have been pushing this discussion of for way too long. The reason as to why is that I am not entirely sure I want to have it. How or when can you tell if your best friend isn’t your best friend anymore? I have been through this process before, but seeing every relationship is unique it is difficult to tell.
A little over a year ago, my best friend Mia moved from our home town to study at a university further south. This means that we now live much closer which the both of us were very pleased about. To a beginning things were looking up for the both of us, but this fantasy soon passed on my behalf. Seeing that Mia have for the time I’ve known her been better at making new acquaintances, she quickly made many new friends, who she has gotten very close to. For this I, of course, congratulated her as I wanted her to be happy, even if I could not physically be there all the time.
Now, to a beginning, as said, things were alright; which were for the first few months. However, since about the beginning of this year I have noticed quite a few things that are a bit alarming. To start with, I have seen her once. That’s right ONCE in ten months, because every time I have tried to find a weekend for us to meet, she is either ‘busy’ or doesn’t want to.
Secondly, we used to text or call almost every day, then she in waves stopped replying until I eventually just gave up. Now I just wait for her to text me asking if I want a “life update” every three weeks.
Thirdly, during these calls, which have grown shorter and shorter, she starts of with speaking about how great her life is. How much closer she has been getting to her friends, how many guys have flirted/made out with her, how she goes out, what seems like almost every weekend, drinking till she can’t see straight. At the same time as I am happy hearing about her progress in life, it hurts as she sounds from time to time boastful, almost mocking. Despite clearly being upset with her she doesn’t appear to notice and when she eventually remembers that I’m there and ask about my life, I just tell her I’m fine. She used to be able to see through my lies about how I feel without a second though. Now she simply pushes the conversation forward, either being completely clueless or not caring.
Fourthly, we had been planning to spend Midsummer together in June with our mutual friend Kate, with who we went to secondary school together with. Then almost last minute she called it off, and I went with my family to see some family friends instead. She knew I was clearly upset about this, but at the time I thought I’d make the best of the situation and had a great time with the people there. Then it happened, late that night I decided to scroll through Instagram and found a particular picture that caught my attention. It was a picture of Mia and Kate. This picture destroyed me, and to this day I have not been able to bring it up. It hurts even more when she tells me about their weekends together when she never makes any time to see me.
Lastly, it feels in general like she does not want me around anymore, or at least she does not realize that she gives that impression. I haven’t been wanting to have this conversation as I am afraid to lose her. She is my best friend, my only close friend… Without her I have no one, and that scares me just as much. Then also, it is because I care about her that I am willing to leave if she does not want me no more. The thing that hurts the most, though, is that this has happened to me before. I have lost three best friends to this same process and she knows it. Yet, she is doing the same thing. Being replaced and having it rubbed in your face when you are already balancing on your breaking point is painful. But then again, I am not new to the concept. I am not even sure if this topic of conversation could accomplish anything. I miss my best friend, I will always cherish her, even if I never see her again.