Escape button

“Once upon a time there was a little girl who had this feeling she could not shake. It was a feeling that grew deeper and darker every day that she could not escape. In an attempt to get rid of those feelings she found somethings, two escape buttons. When she pressed them she would loose her reality and become a part of another, but once the effect wore off she would be back in this world. Even if it meant she could only disappear for a limited time, she was grateful for all the time she was given away from this life.”

This is a little story about how I have felt from an very early age, but the tale do not only include myself. Most people do not wish to speak about depressions because they truly do not undertand, and because of this a lot of people do not really know what they are feeling. I surely did not. At many points of my life I have even felt like I do not deserve to life. It was during on of these times that I found my first escape button, music. I found my love for this art and since then I have also discovered that I am quite gifted within the subject. Music is good in that way that it can make you feel. Before I mostly only felt pain or nothing which mean that the slightest feeling was important to me. Also whenever I here music I drift away with my thoughts and soon my daydreams are more real to me than the actual reality infront of me.

My other escape button is writing. I remember having a dream at the age of about 12 and when I woke up I wanted to share it with the world, that’s when I begun writing. During the years that have past since then I have developed a lot, I have also found my so called ‘edge’ which gives my writing its tone. Writing is important to me because it lets me create my own reality where I can build a new world. Today I am still working on that book based on my dream, it has changed quite a lot over the years but it is an escape for me. One that has been there for many years. All the characters feels like old friends and I love being able to disappear into their world, only if just for a little while. Writing also helps me think and sort things out. Some days when I have been feeling really bad I have begun writing and noticed that my actual reality sometimes fits in the text, so the narrator’s feelings and thoughts are often my own true ones.

Another thing is that I always listen to music while writing which gives me the best escape I can possibly get. Sometimes it is an emotional roller-coaster but that is also one thing that makes them great. At times I can only write a sentence unlike occasions when I can write for hours finding no end to my inspiration. I have found my escape buttons, I hope you will find yours too.

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The Story

Hi, I’m a person among so many others that no one every really seems to notice. People look at me but they cannot see me, as if I wasn’t there to begin with. Even my friends sometimes simply forget I’m there, like I was invisible. My parents are just the same, they may ask questions but are barely ever interested in hearing the answer. My thoughts are often as loud as screams but they never seem to reach my lips. I keep quite because I neither have the energy or motivation to speak. I feel like a shadow that occasionally get the chance to be seen by others.

From an age of 11 I have been depressed, and from time to time I have also been suicidal. I have very few memories from before it all begun, only a few dreams are left for me to remember, maybe it’s because the dark thoughts are all I know. Back when it started I had no idea what was wrong with me and it took me many years to figure out considering the fact that depression is not something they teach about in school. I had to find the answer in other places which took a long time. When I begun secondary school I started seeing the guidance counselor where I received a lot of help, and it was also there I first told someone about my thoughts. It felt like a huge weight hade been lifted from my shoulders and after that I decided to tell my best friend I had back then. Her reaction was not very good. She yelled at me saying that she hated me for telling her. The good thing with the counselor was that she was not allowed to judge me unlike my friend, and that is why I kept seeing her every week for 2,5 years. I felt better, for about 3 weeks and the I started getting bullied which lasted all the years I went to that school.

Last school year was by far the best year in my life so far and it was also my first year in highschool. It felt like a fresh start. I hade broken the connection with all my so called ‘friends’ and I was given the chance to start a new in school were I would never have to see anyone from my old class ever again. I met new friends for life whom I decided to go clean with from the beginning by telling them about my past, and instead of yelling at me and blaming me they simply opened their arms and welcomed me into their lives. For the first time in my life I felt accepted for who I am and I even sometimes felt some sort of happiness inside of me.

Although a while into my second year I begun having those dark thoughts and feelings again, and for some reason they are worse than ever. There are today scars on my arms as proof after what I one day did, before that I had never taken to a blade I had only used my own hands to hurt myself, that was 2 months ago. I did tell my friends and one of them I could tell was scared, but not for what I had done, she was scared of me. A while before that I had also met this schools counselor for the first time and she told me things the last one never even mentioned. Such as the fact that there actually exist medicin for depressions. After two meetings with the counselor I have been to a health center to be properly ranked with depression and to see what kind of treatment would be good for me. And this is where I am today, waiting for my results. I have been to a third meeting with the counselor and there will be more, not only because I need it but because I want to.

So this is my story. Some people get chocked about the fact that I am stil alive, to be honest so am I. Some people say I’m waisting my life as a gift, but I never chose to feel this way. I don’t want to either, but it is almost all that I have ever known. Often I feel like this life is just a dream and that I will one day wake up. Not often but on occasions I feel good, like when I listen to music or create my own, when I’m writing or get to surround myself with things I’m very nerdy about. Now however I will wait for my test results and hope I finally can get a proper and good treatment.