The three layers of depression

A fairly easy way to describe a depression is to begin with saying that it consist of three layers or zones. Once I got this explained to me by my school’s counselor I found it easier to understand what I am actually feeling at the moment. The thing about these layers are that they change on a daily basis in thickness and where the person in question is situated in them. They are also unique for each person since every individual’s feelings are different.

First layer, the light zone: If you would look at it as if the three layers are put on each other this one would be on top since this one has the lightest feelings. The first layer or the light zone as you can call it is the ‘happy’ zone or the zone where you usually are situated when you are having a good day. This zone is quite rare for some people as myself. A lot of people are situated at the edge between the first and second layer which is a place where you can still enjoy life at the moment but at the same time feel a bit off.

Second layer, the grey zone: This layer is a bit tricky since you can either dip upwards or downwards fairly quickly to the other layers. In this zone feelings such as not caring or not feeling at all often occur. That is because the grey zone makes you feel like nothing matters, like you do not need to feel.

Third layer, the dark zone: It is in this layer where the danger lies. It’s here all the feelings are, all the thoughts you do not want to think, all the feelings you do not want to feel, since it hurts. Being in this zone do not only have to hurt you mentally but can also hurt you physically, either since you feel a massive pain inside yourself or because you can feel compelled to do self harm. “What is depression like?” he whispered. “It’s like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing.” This quote was said by an unknown person but it explains this layer very well. It feels like you are drowning in yourself.

Myself I hit raw botton in the third layer a couple of months ago and that was the first time I ever took to a blade for self harm. It is worst at night when I try to sleep since then I cannot escape myself. The emotions and thoughts are to overwhelming and strong which leaves me too powerless to move which means I lie there forced to think about all the different ways I can end my life. Forced to think about it over, and over and over again with no end until I fall asleep crying. Some times my thoughts even go as far as planing the next day, when I am suppose to wake up, eat breakfast, harm myself, get to school and finally take my life. I feel guilty, forced, sad and afraid. The good thing is that they are so overwhelming that I cannot do anything except lying there which means I do not actually hurt myself physically, but the feelings don’t always let go during the night. The downside you have already read. I feel broken, like everything inside me is in pieces but stays in place thanks to my body. Honestly I have not called myself human in a very long time since that is not how I feel. I feel like I died all those years ago when I first got depressed, so now I guess I would call myself undead since my physical body is alive but my soul died 7 years ago. Even though I spend most of my time in the third layer I do have days when I feel better, rare occasions but they do occur.

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Rehab

Yes, I know that the title sounds like something it is not so hear me out. For about the last 9 months I have had an almost constant headache everyday and I had also had migraine. Now in the beginning I was told I needed glasses which was quite a big change for me, but now several months later my headache is even worse and more often and then during this period I have even changed into new glasses to see if it would help. Two months ago I got an appointment with a doctor who told me my headache was a mixture between migraine and stress. The doctor told me that my shoulders were as hard as rocks and also my neck which is causing a lot of my headaches and nausea. Except telling me how to deal with the migraine she also told me to walk down to the basement were there is a rehab. It did not hit me that this was a rehab for movement and similar things until I got there. Anyhow once I get to the reception one of the employees asked me why I needed an appointment so I could get the proper treatment. Since that day I have been going there about twice a week geting acupuncture. The first time I was a bit scared but honestly I could not feel the needles at all. Now two months later I do since my muscles are finally relaxing at times which makes me happy since I do not have an constant headache anymore. Several days I have actually been completely headache free which is rather strange since I barely remember how it feels to not have one. The fact that I have been relieved from a lot of stress might help as well. The best part is that my physiotherapist says that be believes that one day in a near future I will be fully healed, and considering the fact I have been feeling bad for the last 9 months I can’t wait until that day comes.