Abandoned

They have left me, those who use to call themselves my friends. We have been fighting before but this time I do not believe it can be fixed. For a period of 2-3 weeks they have been isolating me from them as a group which has made me feel alone which then have lead to me isolating myself from the world. Last night I had a little fight with my best friend were she declared that she would abandon me, the thing was that she did not realize that she had. This morning the rest of them said that we had to solve it but I had said everything I had to say. It was then it happened. One of them yelled at me saying that they have been there for me at all times during the last 3 years, the thing is they haven’t. They have left me alone so many times but I have always forgiven them every time since I do not have anybody else. Now during my darkest time I do not even have them, I am completely alone. For the last 2,5 years I have lived since I do not want to hurt them or bring them pain, but now I bring them that because I am alive. The tears keeps trying to escape my eyes but I won’t let them, I cannot let them see how much they hurt me. There is no longer anything for me but my writing and listening to music. They are the only two things that will never leave me.

Falling backwards

The past week has been the worst in a long time. The darkness is growing stronger and I am having a hard time fighting it. But a part of me does not want to fight it. During the last two weeks I have been scared of myself of what I might do since the need and desire to cut myself has come back. Last weekend I was home alone but managed to distract myself enough not do to it which led to this week. Everyday I have been feeling horrible with all this thoughts buzzing in my head and feelings making my chest hurt. I thought I was going to make it, but that is not how it turned out. Thursday I was feeling great since I finally got my hair done which I have been looking forward to for weeks but after I got back to school (we had a half-day) I felt terrible. It was so bad that I could not even hide it from my friends. That day I left without saying anything to them and when they later texted me I did not answer, because I couldn’t. They have seen me during bad days but never like this. That night I cut myself using scissors.

The next day we only had a 45 minutes lesson and then we had studies in any location which we were suppose to spend working on a specific school project. My best friend and partner for the project caught me right before I left. She could tell I was not feeling well and I said I was going home and could work from there. Only a few minutes after I got home I heard knocks on the door. I looked out the window and saw her and another friend of ours. I never answered the door, instead I was crying, hating myself. Once they left I could not take it anymore so I did it. Using a scalpel this time. Later I convinced them that I was not home at the time and that I was alright. Nobody knows I did this, the reason is because I feel like I no longer can tell anyone. The thing is after I did it I felt happy, relieved. It may sound strange but I did. For almost an entire week I had this blockages, huge pain inside the middle of my chest. But once I did it the second time it disappeared. Since then I have had an insane writing spree feeling all kinds of feelings and in general I have felt good. The only thing that startled me was that I dreamt that I was falling. Even though I know that is one of the most common types of dreams I have never dreamt it before. It happened right after I cut myself the second time and since then I have not been able to let it go. Because that is how I feel, like I’m falling. And no one will ever catch me.