Falling backwards

The past week has been the worst in a long time. The darkness is growing stronger and I am having a hard time fighting it. But a part of me does not want to fight it. During the last two weeks I have been scared of myself of what I might do since the need and desire to cut myself has come back. Last weekend I was home alone but managed to distract myself enough not do to it which led to this week. Everyday I have been feeling horrible with all this thoughts buzzing in my head and feelings making my chest hurt. I thought I was going to make it, but that is not how it turned out. Thursday I was feeling great since I finally got my hair done which I have been looking forward to for weeks but after I got back to school (we had a half-day) I felt terrible. It was so bad that I could not even hide it from my friends. That day I left without saying anything to them and when they later texted me I did not answer, because I couldn’t. They have seen me during bad days but never like this. That night I cut myself using scissors.

The next day we only had a 45 minutes lesson and then we had studies in any location which we were suppose to spend working on a specific school project. My best friend and partner for the project caught me right before I left. She could tell I was not feeling well and I said I was going home and could work from there. Only a few minutes after I got home I heard knocks on the door. I looked out the window and saw her and another friend of ours. I never answered the door, instead I was crying, hating myself. Once they left I could not take it anymore so I did it. Using a scalpel this time. Later I convinced them that I was not home at the time and that I was alright. Nobody knows I did this, the reason is because I feel like I no longer can tell anyone. The thing is after I did it I felt happy, relieved. It may sound strange but I did. For almost an entire week I had this blockages, huge pain inside the middle of my chest. But once I did it the second time it disappeared. Since then I have had an insane writing spree feeling all kinds of feelings and in general I have felt good. The only thing that startled me was that I dreamt that I was falling. Even though I know that is one of the most common types of dreams I have never dreamt it before. It happened right after I cut myself the second time and since then I have not been able to let it go. Because that is how I feel, like I’m falling. And no one will ever catch me.

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