Honestly I do not know how to fight anymore, there is no energy left in me. Writing my book is the only thing that has been keeping me alive, but now I don’t even have energy to that any longer. I have no energy to write, to make it in school, to eat, to sleep. Breathing has even become a problem, sometimes my body just stops breathing on its own and I have to remind it to keep on going. Not only is my darkness evolving, almost swallowing me whole, but at the house I am suppose to be able to call home the situation is also getting worse. Yesterday after I failed my driving test my father shoved me, if my bed had not been behind me I would have hit my head either into the wall or the floor. And then I haven’t even mentioned the mental abuse I’m being put through. Lately I have truly been wondering why I stay here, the reasons: I have no money to make it on my own and I do love my brother. I live in constant fear in this house. It feels like a prison. Every day I plan my escape from this hell. Every morning I tell my self that surviving this day will lead me one step closer to freedom, yet now it feels like I will never get out of here. All I want is to disappear from this place and never have to look back. Instead it feels like I’m dying.
My best friend has told me several times that I can come and live with her yet it would not be long before I became a burden. As I know I would be from the start. The school therapist has suggested many times that she should talk to others who could help me to get an own apartment. Though that would make me even more frightened that my father would come find me and beat me. My only hope is to make it until graduation and move abroad but then it is back to the first problem of this text, there is no energy left in my body. I am falling behind in school not only because I do not have the energy but also because it all seems pointless. Nothing has any meaning anymore.