Speechless

There are so many things I would like to say, yet I feel speechless. Words just don’t seem to be enough, not spoken nor written. It’s a blur of pictures and emotions inside my head, which makes it hard to tell happenings from fantasy. Is any off it real? Or is everything simply made up by my twisted mind? What if everything surrounding me is a dream my own mind has created. The pain, the fear, the sorrow is just something my mind has designed just for me. That all off it I myself has created as a punishment. What if my mind got so used to this fantasy that it suddenly did not know how to stop it. And since then it has grown uncontrollably as if it had its own life. What if it was through that the darkness inside me was made, as a result of the fantasy. A darkness that soon would consume me yet be the only thing familiar, my only friend, my only family. Everything I would eventually come to know. When I suddenly stopped since I did not remember how to walk anymore the darkness was there to remind me, to teach me. When I forgot how to write my name, who I was and how to breath.

Maybe one day I will wake up from this nightmare and find myself in the life I have always dreamed about. A place were I feel no fear, no sadness, no pain. A place where my feelings will no longer consume my being. A place where I can finally be me. My darkness I will never escape yet I could learn how to control it and never let it consume me again. I do believe such a place exist, even though I can not yet see it. No one listens since no one understands. That is why words are not enough anymore. And why I am left speechless.

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