Lately whenever I have been feeling down or have had a bad day, there has been one person who I have talked to. That is my friend Mia (not her real name). And the thing is that she has been doing the same. We have known each other for almost 3 years, and she was actually the first friend I made when we begun upper secondary school. One look at one another and we knew that we would become friends. However, it is only lately, about the last 5 months, that we have become closer. During the time we have know each other we have been great friends, yet the last 5 months we have started sharing things with one another that we don’t tell anyone else. In our group of 7 girls she is the one I trust the most and always feel like I can completely be myself around. Not only does this make me feel relaxed and comfortable, but also happy. The banters we share only we understand and we are our weird hilarious selves when we are around each other.
She is also the one who knows best about how my father is treating me. Every time she is incredibly supportive and says the right things to take my mind off the world. So when her father started telling her things that was not alright, I was there for her. I said that she should try talking to him since I knew that he would understand, and once she did he did understand. She did tell me though that after what her father told her, she understood better how my situation is. This has also made us closer, we are there for each other even when we ourselves are not feeling well.
Both of us suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and every time we text or call the other person about it. A few days ago she texted me while having a panic attack, and after having talked to her for a while it let go. She said that my words help her. Once it vanished she texted me saying “You are so freaking wonderful, do you know that?”
This friendship I have with Mia is very precious to me and I love her so much. Therefor I have written this little note. She may never read it, but it will be here for her if she would one day find it. Maybe she will not even realize it is about her, then it will be my secret. My tiny secret that this thankful note was for her.
A few days ago I read some of my old posts and I became aware of how sad and depressing my blog actually is. That along with me reading a new book made me realize that, that is not what I want. I am much more than just my depression, and a part of me wants to share that. Wants to share more of me and who I am as a person other than just the bad feelings. Everything will still be anonymous, so if I ever mention a friend or person by name it will not be their real one. My depression is still a big part of my life meaning I will not stop writing about it, it just won’t be the only thing. Personally I think this is a good thing. Being able to write about things that make me feel great might actually help my wellbeing. So from now on, hopefully, my writings will look a little brighter. To start off in this new journey of ‘getting to know me’, other than my pain, I thought I would write a few things about myself.
- I am from and currently living in Sweden, though I have a dream of one day moving to England.
- As I have mentioned before I love to write and I have actually written 1 complete novel, begun with a sequel and several short stories. Although I have not published any of them.
- During the last 3 years I have been studying languages at upper secondary school. In all I have studied: Swedish, English, French, Italian and Latin. However, privately I have also studied a bit of Japanese.
- Nerd is probably the best word to describe me. I am incredibly geeky when it comes to certain things such as; youtubers, music, greek mythology, Disney films, specific video-games, the King Arthur story, and my favorite tv-series and films.
- In general I am a very creative person and I practice that through drawing, painting, writing, taking photographs and playing different instruments.
- I am incredibly socially awkward, slightly introverted, mumble and talk to myself at times.
- I am fairly lazy and procrastinate more than what is probably healthy, yet if I put my mind to it things usually have an outcome with brilliant results.
Lately I have incredibly enough been feeling better, I could even some days say that I was ‘happy’ which is a very unusual feeling for me. Surprisingly enough I even went across the country to see a concert with my favorite band, the 1975, alone. Bare in mind that I am slightly introverted and have had anxiety since I was little. It may sound silly but it is the bravest thing I have ever done. That I got a place up front only about 5 meters from the stage was a dream come true.
However, as always these lighter zones of depression are never to last. For a while now I have been feeling nothing but sadness and loneliness. Inside me I can feel the craving for hurting myself, though I try to avoid it as much as I possibly can. Things that used to cheer me up don’t anymore. The only thing is music, it helps me to forget the world, if just for a moment. Every time I start to feel worse I begin to question my friends. Are we truly friends? Do they even want to spend time with me? The questions go on. Also when I feel sad I usually begin to talk more quiet, but at times it is hard to know if it is about that or that they simply do not listen. Not only does that make me feel left out, but also very lonely.
Despite the fact that I have wanted to drop out of school since 5th grade, I have actually applied for university. Not only does this give me a chance to study something I actually want to, but it will also give be the opportunity to escape my family. The way my father is mentally abusing me is getting more difficult to take. During the past few years I have from time to time been told things like “You’re fat” and “You can’t eat that because you won’t fit into your clothes”. Lately it has been more frequent and 2 days ago I went to an appointment at a form of hospital because I have had an eating disorder for about 2-3 years now. I have never wanted to admit it to myself since I have not believed that I have had a problem. It was only at tops 6 months ago that I realized that I do. The positive things are that the doctors might even be able to give me a diagnosis the next time we meet and I can get a treatment thereafter. The doctor I met asked about my depression and when she heard that it has been 8 years and that I have neither gotten a diagnosis or treatment, she said she would try to make sure I get it. The school’s counselor is also trying to make sure I can get one, yet she already has her hands full which means it might take some time.
Besides being depressed I am also terrified. Because of my depression my grades, or studying in general, has not been very good. I was even told a few months ago that I might not even be able to graduate. There is a larger possibility now that I certainly will, yet the feeling is still there. Saying that I think ‘Then why did I apply for university?’ The program I applied for is ‘Literature and creative writing’, not only what I enjoy doing but also something I want to work with. And if I do not go I would become even more clueless about what to do with my life than I already am. Though if I would move, what would I do about treatment? Once again I might have to start from square one and everything would just get postponed even more. I just wish that until then things will start to look brighter.