I’m a mess

Lately I have incredibly enough been feeling better, I could even some days say that I was ‘happy’ which is a very unusual feeling for me. Surprisingly enough I even went across the country to see a concert with my favorite band, the 1975, alone. Bare in mind that I am slightly introverted and have had anxiety since I was little. It may sound silly but it is the bravest thing I have ever done. That I got a place up front only about 5 meters from the stage was a dream come true.

However, as always these lighter zones of depression are never to last. For a while now I have been feeling nothing but sadness and loneliness. Inside me I can feel the craving for hurting myself, though I try to avoid it as much as I possibly can. Things that used to cheer me up don’t anymore. The only thing is music, it helps me to forget the world, if just for a moment. Every time I start to feel worse I begin to question my friends. Are we truly friends? Do they even want to spend time with me? The questions go on. Also when I feel sad I usually begin to talk more quiet, but at times it is hard to know if it is about that or that they simply do not listen. Not only does that make me feel left out, but also very lonely.

Despite the fact that I have wanted to drop out of school since 5th grade, I have actually applied for university. Not only does this give me a chance to study something I actually want to, but it will also give be the opportunity to escape my family. The way my father is mentally abusing me is getting more difficult to take. During the past few years I have from time to time been told things like “You’re fat” and “You can’t eat that because you won’t fit into your clothes”. Lately it has been more frequent and 2 days ago I went to an appointment at a form of hospital because I have had an eating disorder for about 2-3 years now. I have never wanted to admit it to myself since I have not believed that I have had a problem. It was only at tops 6 months ago that I realized that I do. The positive things are that the doctors might even be able to give me a diagnosis the next time we meet and I can get a treatment thereafter. The doctor I met asked about my depression and when she heard that it has been 8 years and that I have neither gotten a diagnosis or treatment, she said she would try to make sure I get it. The school’s counselor is also trying to make sure I can get one, yet she already has her hands full which means it might take some time.

Besides being depressed I am also terrified. Because of my depression my grades, or studying in general, has not been very good. I was even told a few months ago that I might not even be able to graduate. There is a larger possibility now that I certainly will, yet the feeling is still there. Saying that I think ‘Then why did I apply for university?’ The program I applied for is ‘Literature and creative writing’, not only what I enjoy doing but also something I want to work with. And if I do not go I would become even more clueless about what to do with my life than I already am. Though if I would move, what would I do about treatment? Once again I might have to start from square one and everything would just get postponed even more. I just wish that until then things will start to look brighter.

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3 thoughts on “I’m a mess

  1. Music is my solace for so much in this world. I sometimes don’t know how I would get by without it. I know how hard it is to keep up with your studies, I almost didn’t graduate. I buckled down at the last little bit and barely got by with the minimum requirements to graduate. I’m excited that you have applied for university! It would be so healthy to be away from that mental abuse from your father. And I know it makes other stuff complicated, but perhaps they can refer you to someone in the area the university is at? I’m not sure how it works across the pond. 😊 I’m glad to see a post, I had been wondering what you were up to. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am not sure how it works either and therefor I ask for as much help from people around me as possible. 🙂 My father has been pushing me to go to university since I was little, yet once I applied he was angry since it is so far away. That is the reason he doesn’t know exactly what I am going to study (if I even get in). He has always hated me writing, even though he has never read a single word of mine. I don’t write about how I feel here very often since when I’m in a one of my lighter zones it is more difficult to explain what I am actually feeling. Mostly because happier thoughts and feelings are that unusual for me. Though I enjoy reading your writings, when you cross my mind I always read to make sure you are alright. And if you are not I try to find the words to say to make it a little brighter, even if just for a short moment. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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