A night as Cinderella?

Last night was my senior prom. People have told us for so long that “It will be a night you will remember your whole life”. But in all honesty, I hope not. There were many factors adding up to me wanting to forget it. First of all, the plan was originally that I was going to go with April but we are not truly friends anymore, and she has been too ignorant to notice. I told her how I felt and went with my friends Jane and Penny instead who both said I should considering April’s behavior towards me. Because of this she has been even worse. Secondly, when I first found my dress I was struck by its beauty though said that I would never wear it. I bought it the next day. Now a few months later I am not fond of it anymore and did not feel comfortable wearing it. It did not help that about 70 people stepped on it almost to the point that it was ripped. Thirdly, going there was challenging since the weather was exhausting and I can not handle heat very well. We also stood in line for 1,5 hours to get inside the hotel were the prom was going to be held. This was not good, I have got orthostatic hypertension mening I can not stand up for too long in the same place. That along with the heat made me almost faint. Due to the heat I also got migraine to the point were I thought I was going to throw up. We finally got inside and got some water to drink before there was a fancy dinner. The food in itself was alright yet because of about 300 people talking at the same time my headache got worse and it was almost impossible to hold a conversation making it rather boring. After the dinner I sat with my friend Dawn, who was feeling even worse than me, to make sure that she was alright and so she would not be lonely. Penny joined us after some time whilst the others were downstairs dancing. Eventually Dawn decided to go home yet she would have to wait about half an hour for her ride where I waited with her. Once she left I went inside to the girls yet I did not enjoy myself at all. I sat down with some other girls in our class pointing out to myself everything that was wrong with me. I could not help myself, after a while I was almost crying as my thoughts got worse. I could not stand it anymore so I called my brother who came to pick me up. As soon as we got home I jumped into the shower to get the hairspray out of my hair. There were no one could see me the tears started running down my face. I do not belong in a place like that, I never will. It made me feel so bad that it even made me considered plastic surgery since I loathe the way I look. The worst part is that I am supposed to do it again next week when I graduate. Last nights experience has made me almost rather stay at home with my mental abusive father than go out and ‘party’ where I feel just as miserable.

Advertisements

Can you outgrow your best friend?

For the last 3 years a girl called April has been my best friend. We met a secondary school and will now soon be graduating together since we are in the same class. We used to do everything together. Countless of weekends I have spent at her place, we have been to concerts together in other cities, at times we have taken spontaneous little road trips and we even planed on moving in together. For the time that I have known her she has been the one I have told everything, and she has returned the favor. We have had many common interests yet been rather different in person. She has always been more social than me and has tried to helped me talk to people more. Her methods have been questionable sometimes but mostly they have made me smile. When I was feeling my worst she would be the one I would talk to, the one who’s words would make me feel alright again.

Now to the downside, during approximately the last 6 months she has changed dramatically. She barely talks to me anymore and when she does the whole conversation is entirely about her. The other girls she does not really talk to either, yet she complains about us not socializing with her. What seems to be at any cost, she does not want to spend time with us. The excuses lately are becoming more and more pitiful. Often she blames it on money, that she can’t ‘afford’ to come with us for a hang out. Although she then often post pictures of herself on Instagram and Snapchat eating fancy food at expensive restaurants and cafés. During this period of time she has also stopped caring about her grades. It has come to a point where I and the other girls are genuinely concerned that she might not graduate. Because of that we have tried to help her since she has been talking about graduation since we started secondary school. Yet the respons we get is “I don’t need you help, it doesn’t matter if I fail another subject.”

The only time she ‘talks’ to us is by text and it can be alright, but when you won’t ever talk to someone in person but then have a breakout through text, every time, it becomes tiresome. This year she did not even come with us to celebrate my birthday, it broke my heart by her uncaring blunt respons pretending that everything was alright. In general lately she has become uncaring about everyone’s feelings, she will speak about herself as if her problems are the only ones that matter and at times she is even rude. Having someone who used to be so close to me hurts to see drift away. She was the first person I ever told ‘I love you’ and at the time it got the same respons. A few months ago when I told her that her changing confused me as much that I did not even some days know how to say hello to her I did not even get a respons.

I know very well that I in all probability will not have any contact with her after graduation. And the worst part is, it barely even hurts me anymore. I know people outgrow one another for various reasons, sometimes it is even healthy. It is like when you wear a pair of shoes, after some time they might break or you realize that they do not fit you like they used to. Though it might still be difficult to part from them since they have been with you for such a long time. For old reasons’ sake you may not even want to get rid off them even though you know you should. I do miss the old April though, the one who I used to love, not the one who rejects her friends and treat people poorly, the one who I saw as a sister. 

Father why?

Ever since I was little my father has abused me mentally. I have always known about it just not wanting to realize what he was actually doing until a few years ago. The first thing I remember my father telling me was “You have to become a doctor.” My entire childhood I was told this which ended up in me having a fear of becoming one. After that he kept on with other well paid jobs that I apparently ‘had’ to work with when I grew up. But it did not stop at that, he wanted to control everything about me from what my goals in life would be to my favorite color. Whenever I did not think or do as he wanted he would tell me how useless and stupid I was. ‘Idiot’ would at times become the nickname he would give me. The thing is that I have never fitted into this frame of his. Sometimes I hear him talk about me with others and the person he describes is nothing like me, it’s who he thinks or wishes me to be. When I was 13 and first got into writing I was so happy about finding something that I felt could actually define me. So I decided to tell him, his respons, he mocked me straight to my face. Told me how idiotic I was for even thinking that I could be good at something like that.

I remember once when I was about 8 years old, I was in my room laying on my stomach on my bed, just relaxing. He came in, sat on my back so that I could hardly breath and he spanked me and hit my legs. He never hit me again, because I did that myself. When I turned 11 I fell into my depression along with a self-harm behavior and being suicidal. Countless times I would be in my room strangling myself, punching various parts of my body and at times try to drown myself. When I begun middle school I got bullied, after 1,5 years I could not take it anymore. Everything was arranged the only thing missing was my parents to sign a papper and I would transfer. The conversation I had with them about it hurt me more than anything. My father refused despite that they had known for such a long time about what was actually happening. The reason, he told me that “Well they bully you because it is something wrong with you.” After that I turned suicidal again. Once when we sat by the tv he randomly told me “People who are suicidal or wishes to be dead should all die.” That sentence has haunted me ever since.

Then I began secondary school, the school in itself was better and that helped my depression a lot. Although during my second year I started feeling worse and the things said at home started being more frequent and more mentally destroying. Being told stupid, idiotic and that I can not do anything started becoming almost a daily habit. “Get it together!” and “Stop being such an idiot!” is probably the things I am told the most. At times he makes me so angry that I am shaking and that I can hardly breath. I get headaches everyday because of what he says, and yet I am apparently the one that it is something wrong with. I am never good enough being me. I am too fat, I am too stupid, I don’t work hard enough, I can’t make it on my own and I am worthless. And all I want to know is why? What did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much?

Books and tea leaves

Today I thought I would sit down and write a little something. Something calming and joyful. These words bring two things to mind, books and tea. Reading and writing are two of my many passions, and tea is something I feel rather passionate about. For as long as I can remember I have always loved cuddling up with a book and a hot cup of tea. Not only does this make me feel relaxed, but I also find delight in the escape one can get into another world through reading. That is one of the reasons why I myself one day want to become a writer. Anyhow, I figured that I, whilst having a cup of tea, could write about a few of my personal favorite books.

IMG_1036

To start off, I would like to talk about ‘Starcrossed’ by Josephine Angelini. This trilogy is based on Greek mythology which have been put into today’s society, with a few twists to it of course. Since Greek mythology is something I have always been rather geeky about my mom bought me the first book for my birthday 2 years ago. After finishing it and exclaiming how much I loved it she then bought me the sequels. In all honesty I can easily say that these are my favorite books of all time, even though I did read them in Swedish which I nowadays rarely do. Fun fact, I have never re-read a book since when I really enjoy a writing I can remember everything into the small little details. But I do know for a fact that I will read these again in the near future.

IMG_1039

Secondly, I grew up loving the world of ‘Harry Potter’ by J. K. Rowling. And still it is one of the first things I think of when it comes to my childhood. Now at first I began watching the films. Some people shame me for this, but the thing they don’t realize is that I was only 4 when it was released, meaning the book would have been quiet a challenge given that it was released the year I was born. Though I did not read the first book until I was 13. The reason why, my brother spoiled the ending of the last book for me once it was released and I had been mad about it ever since. Eventually I did not want it to ruin my love for the work so I decided to read the books. One thought crossed my mind though, I wanted the writings to stay with me for as long as possible. Therefor I only read one book a year, resulting in me truly growing up with it. Except last year when I read the last 3 books since I could not help my self. Yet toward the ending of the last one, I turned hesitant. This was the last book, there would never be anything more. Once I finished the last page there would never be anything more of this. My love for it was though stronger and I finished it, and to my and many others’ surprise there actually will be another book. Which I can not wait to read.

IMG_1040

Now thirdly, let’s grab that cup of tea and talk about ‘Sherlock Holmes’ by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. These novels and short stories which came in the ending of the 19th century and beginning of the 20th, have despite their age an incredible topicality. Myself I have had an interest ever since the tv-serie ‘Sherlock’ was released. Despite that I usually are not that much into criminal drama, I found it absolutely brilliant. I have then during the last few months been reading 3 of the books and some of the short stories, not only enjoying them but adoring them. These old writings are actually fairly contemporary since Conan Doyle wrote in such a modern language. There is also an almost constant feeling of excitement and thrill throughout the books.

IMG_1045

Lastly, the book I am currently reading is ‘Girl Online’ by Zoe Sugg. Mostly I only read fantasy based books, yet during the last year I have been reading some reality based writings and found them marvelous. The reason I chose to read this particular book is since I have enjoyed Zoe’s work as a youtuber. So far I have read almost half the book and am not only relating but also loving it.

Before finishing off, I would like to acknowledge that the tea I have been drinking and obsessing over during the last month is called ‘Romeo & Juliet’, which has a hint of strawberry in it which is visible in the last picture.