Father why?

Ever since I was little my father has abused me mentally. I have always known about it just not wanting to realize what he was actually doing until a few years ago. The first thing I remember my father telling me was “You have to become a doctor.” My entire childhood I was told this which ended up in me having a fear of becoming one. After that he kept on with other well paid jobs that I apparently ‘had’ to work with when I grew up. But it did not stop at that, he wanted to control everything about me from what my goals in life would be to my favorite color. Whenever I did not think or do as he wanted he would tell me how useless and stupid I was. ‘Idiot’ would at times become the nickname he would give me. The thing is that I have never fitted into this frame of his. Sometimes I hear him talk about me with others and the person he describes is nothing like me, it’s who he thinks or wishes me to be. When I was 13 and first got into writing I was so happy about finding something that I felt could actually define me. So I decided to tell him, his respons, he mocked me straight to my face. Told me how idiotic I was for even thinking that I could be good at something like that.

I remember once when I was about 8 years old, I was in my room laying on my stomach on my bed, just relaxing. He came in, sat on my back so that I could hardly breath and he spanked me and hit my legs. He never hit me again, because I did that myself. When I turned 11 I fell into my depression along with a self-harm behavior and being suicidal. Countless times I would be in my room strangling myself, punching various parts of my body and at times try to drown myself. When I begun middle school I got bullied, after 1,5 years I could not take it anymore. Everything was arranged the only thing missing was my parents to sign a papper and I would transfer. The conversation I had with them about it hurt me more than anything. My father refused despite that they had known for such a long time about what was actually happening. The reason, he told me that “Well they bully you because it is something wrong with you.” After that I turned suicidal again. Once when we sat by the tv he randomly told me “People who are suicidal or wishes to be dead should all die.” That sentence has haunted me ever since.

Then I began secondary school, the school in itself was better and that helped my depression a lot. Although during my second year I started feeling worse and the things said at home started being more frequent and more mentally destroying. Being told stupid, idiotic and that I can not do anything started becoming almost a daily habit. “Get it together!” and “Stop being such an idiot!” is probably the things I am told the most. At times he makes me so angry that I am shaking and that I can hardly breath. I get headaches everyday because of what he says, and yet I am apparently the one that it is something wrong with. I am never good enough being me. I am too fat, I am too stupid, I don’t work hard enough, I can’t make it on my own and I am worthless. And all I want to know is why? What did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much?

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