A start and a finish

The past 2 weeks have been quiet eventful, if say the least. In fact there have been several new beginnings. The first one is that I have visited the disability center where I will be working this summer. I have also been “working” there a few days where the employees mainly have been telling me how everything works and what they do. Since I can be rather shy amongst new people the first day was a bit challenging, however after that it has been better and I will properly start working in 2 weeks from now.

The thing that have ended is my education, about a week ago I graduated secondary school. For me this is a fairly big achievement, especially since I was told about 2 months ago that I might not. Yet I pulled through with alright grades and I could run out from the school building alongside my friends. Then jump around, dancing and screaming on a truck’s platform going around town, which is a tradition here in Sweden when you graduate. After a few hours I got home and had some food and was celebrated for finishing school before me and my friends hit the town to party. Together with hundreds of other graduates we went to a large hotel that has a night club where we had a few drinks and danced until the early hours of the next day. For not being a fan of partying I actually had fun, it was probably a mixture of alcohol, the atmosphere and the happiness from graduating. Anyhow, I actually had a good time. The thing I will miss about the school I went to is the psychiatrist. She has helped me to understand myself and my depression during the last 2 years and for that I will be forever grateful. I feel like I owe her so much and that is why I am actually a bit sad about leaving. However she said that if I ever have my ways around town after I have moved she would be very happy to see me, and I will be delighted to meet her again.

On to the other two beginnings. During the last 1-2 years I have been aware about the fact that I have an eating disorder. I have not been wanting to write about it since the subject is rather sensitive to me, but the thing I wanted to bring forward is that I have started getting help for it and within a near future I will begin a proper treatment and get medicin for it. The last new beginning was chocking since it happened so quickly. I was at a facility this week to talk about my eating disorder to settle which treatment would be best. Now the doctor I saw is also a psychiatrist and she was curious about my depression since at times these two things walk hand in hand. After 50 minutes of talking and filling out a form she prescribed me medicin. That same day I picked it up from a pharmacy. It has been 8 years since I fell into my depression and I have finally goten medication for it. Not only is this a huge relief but it makes me happy. The doctor also said I would get medicin for my anxiety but those will take a little longer. The downside to this though is that the pills do not properly start working until about 1-3 weeks after you start taking them and in the beginning you might also become more depressed from taking them. Which I unfortunately have felt, but since I know about it I constantly tell myself that it is the pills and not my true feelings which has helped. The important thing is that the dream of getting proper help for my depression has come true.


Rebelliousness vs freedom

Lately I have been asking myself if what I do is out of rebelliousness or fighting for freedom. I can not deny that I have rebelled against my parents since I was fairly young, but that is also rather normal. If you would ever meet me you would get the impression that I am a very calm and quiet person, yet I do have my rebellious sides. Yesterday I went to Stockholm to see the 5 Seconds Of Summer concert at the Ericsson Globe. Not only did I see one of my favorite bands perform live, for the second time, but I also had a VIP ticket meaning I had one of the best seats up front and attended the Sound Check right before the concert started. Early in the morning I jumped on the train since I live far away and the check-in for the Sound Check started at 2 p.m. As I went alone I brought a book with me so that my phone would not be dead once I got there. Fortunately, I also meet some lovely girls who kept me company. The opening band was Don Broco, I had not heard about them before but they were amazing and I am definitely fond of their music now. The Sound Check and concert were absolutely incredible and to be honest it was one of the two best nights of my life. Michael, Ashton, Luke and Calum are so funny, honest, down-to-earth and always know how to put a smile on our faces both with their words and their music. I have missed seeing them loads and also the other fans. We are not only a community, we are like a family, we take care of each other. For someone who is not I understand it might sound silly, but it is the truth. After jumping, dancing, screaming and singing a lot along with thousands of other people I took the train back home.

The thing about being rebellious about this is that my family has no idea I went there. They believe I was at a friends house. I told them the exact same thing when I went to see The 1975 earlier this year, which was also in Stockholm. Which was the other best night of my life, where I also had a place right up front. The reason for me not telling them is that my father forbid me for ever going to Stockholm for a concert after going there with a friend 2 years ago. But I did not do this, going to these concerts, to be rebellious. I did it for me, partly as a reward that I have stayed alive to this day and also as a graduation gift to myself. For once in my life I actually thought I was worth of something and deserved it and therefor I knew I had to do what was necessary to make myself happy, if so just for two nights. Happiness is a very unusual feeling for me and I find it difficult to achieve, though these two nights have had me bursting and bubbling with nothing but it. The guys in 5SOS has said before that what they want to accomplish with their concert is to give the people there, if so for only two hours, an escape from their daily life. And that is what they do, as for the 1975. They help us disconnect from the rest of the world by their music, if only just for a few hours.