Losing my grip

I don’t know how I got here, how I ended up in this place. Yet it feels like there is no escape. I am trapped inside this body, though it is like it isn’t mine anymore. Nothing seems real anymore. No longer am I zoning out, it’s as if I was not there to begin with. Constantly my head is spinning and I can barely remember anything that I am doing. This body I’m in is heavy enough for getting out of bed being the biggest challenge I’m put through each day. Moving in general has become a difficulty. Not anything feels like it would be reality, no sounds, no thoughts, no breaths.

For many years I have had what I like to call ‘Sudden amnesia’. Every now and then I stop what I’m doing and I can not remember anything at all. Not where I am, what year it is, who I am, not even my name. After some time it all comes back, however lately it has become more frequent and a part of me is afraid that it will last. That my memories will not come back to me. Another part of me hopes for it, wishes for a new beginning. I wouldn’t remember all the pain, the suffering. Although I would also lose my writing which is what has kept me alive all these years, and that is what I am most afraid of. I would lose what make me myself.

Writing this dose not even feel real to me. But is this even reality? What says that this is not just made up, a fantasy world created by something or someone and that this is all just imagination. My biggest wish right now is that I could fall asleep and never have to wake up. My entire being is so incredibly tired, please let me get lost in the world of dreams.

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