Pain is the only love that I have known.
It is empty, bloody and rotten to the core.
Yet for some reason I keep asking for more.
As I exist in the darkness all by my own.
All the wounds that I have sown.
All gotten on this hellish moor.
The blood yet spilt upon the floor.
While I sit upon this ghoulish throne.
The jet black heart ripped from my chest.
Emptiness now in both body and mind.
Now not anything like mankind.
The appearance thrown away as a pest.
How come no one ever sees me?
I guess I have simply ceased to be.
What has happened? How did it turn out like this? I feel puzzled. Was this wise? Was it the right choice? There are actually a few happenings fitting in to these questions at the moment. Firstly, I began my first year at university almost 3 months ago. This was one of the biggest decisions of my life, especially since I never had any plans on doing so. I have always thought “No that’s not for me. I won’t be able to do it. I am not even smart enough to get in.” Yet somehow I got in during the first election of students. My reaction was, well, a bit different. I literally blurted out “What?! Are they seriously stupid?!”And now I am here, studying literature. But, by doing this it meant I also had to go through a major change. Moving out. Taking care of a household would not be a problem, although, moving to a big city which I had not even visited before might come to be. And that is the second happening, I am now living alone. In fact I even managed to get a small apartment all to myself. Although, despite that I no longer need to hide who I truly am anymore but am allowed to just be myself in my tiny space, there have been some complications. Since no one can see me there is also no one to stop me in my darkest moments from hurting myself. I am also rather lonely as I have not really made any good friends in my class. My eating disorder has also gotten worse but that additionally goes along with my anxiety.
Secondly, I have actually reached out for help with my eating disorder and have started in a weekly group which is suppose to help us overcome it. Furthermore, one of the doctors there has sent me to a self harm facility where I will also begin in a weekly group which is starting in a few days. The thing about that though is that I feel a bit reluctant to go there. 2 weeks ago one of their therapists wanted to see me before the group started (if I were even to get in). He told me a few things that was not quiet alright to say, especially not to someone who has a self harm behavior and has been suicidal since a very young age. “Oh but you are not depressed. You have just been through a lot.” The blood in my veins froze at the declaration. When he spoke he would at times make me feel as if everything in my life that has made me miserable was in fact my fault. That I had brought it upon myself, even at times as if I had deserved it. I could not speak. He kept on going that I in fact did not even have an eating disorder. Then that there would not be a group at there facility. BUT, they apparently wanted me to stay in their care. Still no words escaped my breath for I was puzzled, baffled and slightly insulted. I later left quietly not saying a word about it to anyone until a few days later since I felt as if I needed to gather my thoughts. This leads on to another thing.
Thirdly, whilst pondering about what had happened and my anxiety worsen, I decided to call my best friend Mia and tell her. She was shocked that I could hold such a thing inside me for so long. As we kept on talking she asked me if I wanted to start a blog with her where we would write about whatever we feel like. That was when I knew I had to drop the bomb on her. I told her about this little space of mine. In fact I felt good about it, in a way relieved. Even though this has been my safe place where I can only be me, to have someone that close to me knowing about it felt wonderful. Perhaps she might even continue reading. No matter if she does she is considering starting her own one which I would love to read if she decides to do so. However, she found A thankful note which is and always will be dedicated to her. What she said about it almost startled me as it is my true feelings for her. “You just brought tears to my eyes.” To hear those words from her means a great deal since she is someone who usually will not cry, at least not amongst others. As I said in my note I am forever thankful for her. These are one of the things that makes me miss her even more. We do no longer live in the same town, we are hours apart. Though just like before we are still close by heart.