Fucking up

Maybe putting it down into words seems silly. To others it may seem like nothing. It could have happened to anyone at any time. Perhaps it was not even such a big deal. But still I ended up here. So I have this exam coming up in a couple of days, and in Sweden one has to apply one’s entrance to be authorized to do the sitting. A few hours ago I realized I had forgotten to do the application. Basically, I fucked up and am now not allowed to do it. Like most people I got frustrated over my own stupidity but it should have ended at that. Yet, for people like me it doesn’t. It is a clear reminder about how much I fail in life. My wicked mind went down this black hole thinking about everything I have done wrong. Never trying hard enough, misunderstanding simple tasks, failing to do the most basic things, “being a freak”, trusting the wrong people, messing up and stumbling on my own words and thoughts, not living up to people’s expectations, not being able to commit suicide, being born. Even happenings I believed to be good for me just turned out to be mistakes. Speaking up, believing in myself, choosing life, trying to fulfill my dreams, moving out to begin at university. The latter case is one that I now strongly consider to have been a huge mistake on my behalf. I find it an impossibility to keep up with anything, I have already fallen behind with half a course which is essential, if I do not score enough points for each term I will loose my apartment, most students in my class treat me like I am worthless, if they are assigned to work with me several will ask me to leave, I’m having anxiety and panic attacks during every class and just thinking about going makes me nauseous.

I’m not dumb, in fact I am actually rather clever. Although, being told your whole life that you are insignificant, an idiot, at a point even that you should kill yourself, it is easy to forget. It does not help living in psychosis believing that nothing is real. Some days I can hardly feel touch. I am fucked up, my entire being is fucked up. I am not the only one, though it is incredibly lonely. Especially now when I have moved to a town where people take one look at me before they throw me away like rubbish. There is nothing beautiful about me. My body covered in scars which have multiplied since I got here and my mind far to mad for anybody to ever understand. Maybe I should be alone. That way I would never be hurt by others again. Perhaps I deserve nothing better than this fucked up life. But who would ever comprehend my thoughts? Because putting them down into words is inane.

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