Disappointment

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why!? I am so tired of this shit. I fuck up everything I touch. My brain is overworking itself due to all this confusion. My mind is bombarded with thoughts and impressions that I can not comprehend. My body is almost constantly shaking, either out of breath or hyperventilating. Some days I cry my eyes out because I simply do not understand. If only I could vanish. Would the pain and confusion disappear as well? Often I wish I had died when I was 11, when all this begun. So why am I stil here? Honestly, I have no idea. People call me strong because I have suffered with depression, self-harm and suicidal tendencies for 9 years. But this, this is not strength. This is pure madness. Mia once told me that she looks up to me. Me, a bloody role model!? No! Do you find these scars alluring? Is this mind truly wise? Are the suicide attempts enticing? Don’t, just don’t. You may also have anxiety and depression, but your future is so bright. Things will come around and you will become truly happy one day. I shall not stand in your way. You are the closest thing I have to a family, my one true friend. Yet, it often feels as if you would have a much better life without me in it. A long time I have wondered how come you would want to be my friend, and I at times believe that you simply stay because we have known each other so long. I would be sad to say goodbye but if that is what you would want I would not stop you. Mia, you are such a beautiful person in body and soul which you will probably never fully realize. Therefore, if I am the obstacle on the path to your happiness I will leave without a second thought. After all I was born to bring sorrow.

Soon I will probably flunk out from university resulting in me loosing my apartment. Then I am left with two options. Live on the streets or move back to an abusive home. I do not know which is worse. What I do know is that I certainly do not fail to disappoint. My best ability is letting people down. The world, uni, my old friends, Mia and particularly myself. I wish every breath to be my last. In this world of confusion that I live in I feel like a small child. Helpless, uncomprehending, stumbling and lost. It is impossible for me to help anyone, not even myself. And to others I am invisible. Invisible and lonely in this world of pain and darkness.