Bite me

Lately I have begun feeling worse again. Either I feel immense sadness or anger or like most times, nothing. During the summer I am living with my parents again and I hate it. Being close to my friends again would be great if we could actually see each other but when one is off the other one works and the other way around. So now I am stuck in this piss hole for another month and probably won’t be able to see anyone I actually care about. My parents have been on a vacation for a week meaning my brother and I have had the house to ourselves which has been great. Though they came back yesterday. Of course my father sees it necessary to push every button I’ve got. Earlier today I was too dead inside to be bothered but now the hell flames inside me have risen and I am enraged. What the fuck is his problem!? Oh, I’m sorry I never live up to your crazy demands of who I should be as no sane person would do that. I’m sorry I do not have the genes to look perfect so you can just keep calling names at me. I’m sorry I got bullied in middle school, yes I deserved it. I’m sorry I got depressed at the age of 11 and have suffered several mental illnesses since, yes I had it all coming. And above all I am sorry that I did not commit suicid when I was 13 as you told me to do.

I am so mad at every single bloody person who has talked down on me, every therapist who did not take me seriously and most of all my father. One second I am scared that he will hurt me and the next I am furious and want to kill him. ‘That’s normal’ some have told me but sorry I do not suffer from an Oedipus complex as there is no love from my mother’s side either. I am so sick of making excuses for people who do not deserve it especially my father. All my life I have put up with this crap and needed help and since I was 13 I have been seeking it. What have people done? For the most part nothing. Nothing! And I’m sick of it! When I say that I hate my life and people I have a bloody good reason to.