How are you?

Lately I have been asking myself how I am feeling. But I don’t quiet know how to describe it. One moment everything feels as if it is crashing down on me, the pain, the frustration, the sorrow, the confusion. Some days I am so stressed because of it that I am shaking and can’t sit still, like I must keep myself busy so I don’t think about it. Another moment I feel numb and heavy as if I can not move. Those days I just lay in my bed and stare into nothingness. Constantly I avoid thinking too much since I am a afraid of what I feel when it happens. When my mind starts thinking about the future, especially about uni and my mental health care, a voice in my head is screaming “I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!” and if I do not distract myself my thoughts spiral down this black hole. What might have seen like minor things to others have been major to me when things have happened. I feel guilty and bad even when I haven’t done anything wrong. Suicidal thoughts keep creeping up on me. I don’t want to live like this, I don’t want to be like this, and there is nothing I can do about it.

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