Moving forward

What has happened? How did it turn out like this? I feel puzzled. Was this wise? Was it the right choice? There are actually a few happenings fitting in to these questions at the moment. Firstly, I began my first year at university almost 3 months ago. This was one of the biggest decisions of my life, especially since I never had any plans on doing so. I have always thought “No that’s not for me. I won’t be able to do it. I am not even smart enough to get in.” Yet somehow I got in during the first election of students. My reaction was, well, a bit different. I literally blurted out “What?! Are they seriously stupid?!”And now I am here, studying literature. But, by doing this it meant I also had to go through a major change. Moving out. Taking care of a household would not be a problem, although, moving to a big city which I had not even visited before might come to be. And that is the second happening, I am now living alone. In fact I even managed to get a small apartment all to myself. Although, despite that I no longer need to hide who I truly am anymore but am allowed to just be myself in my tiny space, there have been some complications. Since no one can see me there is also no one to stop me in my darkest moments from hurting myself. I am also rather lonely as I have not really made any good friends in my class. My eating disorder has also gotten worse but that additionally goes along with my anxiety.

Secondly, I have actually reached out for help with my eating disorder and have started in a weekly group which is suppose to help us overcome it. Furthermore, one of the doctors there has sent me to a self harm facility where I will also begin in a weekly group which is starting in a few days. The thing about that though is that I feel a bit reluctant to go there. 2 weeks ago one of their therapists wanted to see me before the group started (if I were even to get in). He told me a few things that was not quiet alright to say, especially not to someone who has a self harm behavior and has been suicidal since a very young age. “Oh but you are not depressed. You have just been through a lot.” The blood in my veins froze at the declaration. When he spoke he would at times make me feel as if everything in my life that has made me miserable was in fact my fault. That I had brought it upon myself, even at times as if I had deserved it. I could not speak. He kept on going that I in fact did not even have an eating disorder. Then that there would not be a group at there facility. BUT, they apparently wanted me to stay in their care. Still no words escaped my breath for I was puzzled, baffled and slightly insulted. I later left quietly not saying a word about it to anyone until a few days later since I felt as if I needed to gather my thoughts. This leads on to another thing.

Thirdly, whilst pondering about what had happened and my anxiety worsen, I decided to call my best friend Mia and tell her. She was shocked that I could hold such a thing inside me for so long. As we kept on talking she asked me if I wanted to start a blog with her where we would write about whatever we feel like. That was when I knew I had to drop the bomb on her. I told her about this little space of mine. In fact I felt good about it, in a way relieved. Even though this has been my safe place where I can only be me, to have someone that close to me knowing about it felt wonderful. Perhaps she might even continue reading. No matter if she does she is considering starting her own one which I would love to read if she decides to do so. However, she found A thankful note which is and always will be dedicated to her. What she said about it almost startled me as it is my true feelings for her. “You just brought tears to my eyes.” To hear those words from her means a great deal since she is someone who usually will not cry, at least not amongst others. As I said in my note I am forever thankful for her. These are one of the things that makes me miss her even more. We do no longer live in the same town, we are hours apart. Though just like before we are still close by heart.

Rebelliousness vs freedom

Lately I have been asking myself if what I do is out of rebelliousness or fighting for freedom. I can not deny that I have rebelled against my parents since I was fairly young, but that is also rather normal. If you would ever meet me you would get the impression that I am a very calm and quiet person, yet I do have my rebellious sides. Yesterday I went to Stockholm to see the 5 Seconds Of Summer concert at the Ericsson Globe. Not only did I see one of my favorite bands perform live, for the second time, but I also had a VIP ticket meaning I had one of the best seats up front and attended the Sound Check right before the concert started. Early in the morning I jumped on the train since I live far away and the check-in for the Sound Check started at 2 p.m. As I went alone I brought a book with me so that my phone would not be dead once I got there. Fortunately, I also meet some lovely girls who kept me company. The opening band was Don Broco, I had not heard about them before but they were amazing and I am definitely fond of their music now. The Sound Check and concert were absolutely incredible and to be honest it was one of the two best nights of my life. Michael, Ashton, Luke and Calum are so funny, honest, down-to-earth and always know how to put a smile on our faces both with their words and their music. I have missed seeing them loads and also the other fans. We are not only a community, we are like a family, we take care of each other. For someone who is not I understand it might sound silly, but it is the truth. After jumping, dancing, screaming and singing a lot along with thousands of other people I took the train back home.

The thing about being rebellious about this is that my family has no idea I went there. They believe I was at a friends house. I told them the exact same thing when I went to see The 1975 earlier this year, which was also in Stockholm. Which was the other best night of my life, where I also had a place right up front. The reason for me not telling them is that my father forbid me for ever going to Stockholm for a concert after going there with a friend 2 years ago. But I did not do this, going to these concerts, to be rebellious. I did it for me, partly as a reward that I have stayed alive to this day and also as a graduation gift to myself. For once in my life I actually thought I was worth of something and deserved it and therefor I knew I had to do what was necessary to make myself happy, if so just for two nights. Happiness is a very unusual feeling for me and I find it difficult to achieve, though these two nights have had me bursting and bubbling with nothing but it. The guys in 5SOS has said before that what they want to accomplish with their concert is to give the people there, if so for only two hours, an escape from their daily life. And that is what they do, as for the 1975. They help us disconnect from the rest of the world by their music, if only just for a few hours.

Books and tea leaves

Today I thought I would sit down and write a little something. Something calming and joyful. These words bring two things to mind, books and tea. Reading and writing are two of my many passions, and tea is something I feel rather passionate about. For as long as I can remember I have always loved cuddling up with a book and a hot cup of tea. Not only does this make me feel relaxed, but I also find delight in the escape one can get into another world through reading. That is one of the reasons why I myself one day want to become a writer. Anyhow, I figured that I, whilst having a cup of tea, could write about a few of my personal favorite books.

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To start off, I would like to talk about ‘Starcrossed’ by Josephine Angelini. This trilogy is based on Greek mythology which have been put into today’s society, with a few twists to it of course. Since Greek mythology is something I have always been rather geeky about my mom bought me the first book for my birthday 2 years ago. After finishing it and exclaiming how much I loved it she then bought me the sequels. In all honesty I can easily say that these are my favorite books of all time, even though I did read them in Swedish which I nowadays rarely do. Fun fact, I have never re-read a book since when I really enjoy a writing I can remember everything into the small little details. But I do know for a fact that I will read these again in the near future.

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Secondly, I grew up loving the world of ‘Harry Potter’ by J. K. Rowling. And still it is one of the first things I think of when it comes to my childhood. Now at first I began watching the films. Some people shame me for this, but the thing they don’t realize is that I was only 4 when it was released, meaning the book would have been quiet a challenge given that it was released the year I was born. Though I did not read the first book until I was 13. The reason why, my brother spoiled the ending of the last book for me once it was released and I had been mad about it ever since. Eventually I did not want it to ruin my love for the work so I decided to read the books. One thought crossed my mind though, I wanted the writings to stay with me for as long as possible. Therefor I only read one book a year, resulting in me truly growing up with it. Except last year when I read the last 3 books since I could not help my self. Yet toward the ending of the last one, I turned hesitant. This was the last book, there would never be anything more. Once I finished the last page there would never be anything more of this. My love for it was though stronger and I finished it, and to my and many others’ surprise there actually will be another book. Which I can not wait to read.

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Now thirdly, let’s grab that cup of tea and talk about ‘Sherlock Holmes’ by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. These novels and short stories which came in the ending of the 19th century and beginning of the 20th, have despite their age an incredible topicality. Myself I have had an interest ever since the tv-serie ‘Sherlock’ was released. Despite that I usually are not that much into criminal drama, I found it absolutely brilliant. I have then during the last few months been reading 3 of the books and some of the short stories, not only enjoying them but adoring them. These old writings are actually fairly contemporary since Conan Doyle wrote in such a modern language. There is also an almost constant feeling of excitement and thrill throughout the books.

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Lastly, the book I am currently reading is ‘Girl Online’ by Zoe Sugg. Mostly I only read fantasy based books, yet during the last year I have been reading some reality based writings and found them marvelous. The reason I chose to read this particular book is since I have enjoyed Zoe’s work as a youtuber. So far I have read almost half the book and am not only relating but also loving it.

Before finishing off, I would like to acknowledge that the tea I have been drinking and obsessing over during the last month is called ‘Romeo & Juliet’, which has a hint of strawberry in it which is visible in the last picture.

A thankful note

Lately whenever I have been feeling down or have had a bad day, there has been one person who I have talked to. That is my friend Mia (not her real name). And the thing is that she has been doing the same. We have known each other for almost 3 years, and she was actually the first friend I made when we begun upper secondary school. One look at one another and we knew that we would become friends. However, it is only lately, about the last 5 months, that we have become closer. During the time we have know each other we have been great friends, yet the last 5 months we have started sharing things with one another that we don’t tell anyone else. In our group of 7 girls she is the one I trust the most and always feel like I can completely be myself around. Not only does this make me feel relaxed and comfortable, but also happy. The banters we share only we understand and we are our weird hilarious selves when we are around each other.

She is also the one who knows best about how my father is treating me. Every time she is incredibly supportive and says the right things to take my mind off the world. So when her father started telling her things that was not alright, I was there for her. I said that she should try talking to him since I knew that he would understand, and once she did he did understand. She did tell me though that after what her father told her, she understood better how my situation is. This has also made us closer, we are there for each other even when we ourselves are not feeling well.

Both of us suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and every time we text or call the other person about it. A few days ago she texted me while having a panic attack, and after having talked to her for a while it let go. She said that my words help her. Once it vanished she texted me saying “You are so freaking wonderful, do you know that?”

This friendship I have with Mia is very precious to me and I love her so much. Therefor I have written this little note. She may never read it, but it will be here for her if she would one day find it. Maybe she will not even realize it is about her, then it will be my secret. My tiny secret that this thankful note was for her.

7 things

A few days ago I read some of my old posts and I became aware of how sad and depressing my blog actually is. That along with me reading a new book made me realize that, that is not what I want. I am much more than just my depression, and a part of me wants to share that. Wants to share more of me and who I am as a person other than just the bad feelings. Everything will still be anonymous, so if I ever mention a friend or person by name it will not be their real one. My depression is still a big part of my life meaning I will not stop writing about it, it just won’t be the only thing. Personally I think this is a good thing. Being able to write about things that make me feel great might actually help my wellbeing. So from now on, hopefully, my writings will look a little brighter. To start off in this new journey of ‘getting to know me’, other than my pain, I thought I would write a few things about myself.

  1. I am from and currently living in Sweden, though I have a dream of one day moving to England.
  2. As I have mentioned before I love to write and I have actually written 1 complete novel, begun with a sequel and several short stories. Although I have not published any of them.
  3. During the last 3 years I have been studying languages at upper secondary school. In all I have studied: Swedish, English, French, Italian and Latin. However, privately I have also studied a bit of Japanese.
  4. Nerd is probably the best word to describe me. I am incredibly geeky when it comes to certain things such as; youtubers, music, greek mythology, Disney films, specific video-games, the King Arthur story, and my favorite tv-series and films.
  5. In general I am a very creative person and I practice that through drawing, painting, writing, taking photographs and playing different instruments.
  6. I am incredibly socially awkward, slightly introverted, mumble and talk to myself at times.
  7. I am fairly lazy and procrastinate more than what is probably healthy, yet if I put my mind to it things usually have an outcome with brilliant results.

England calling

The last week I went on a school trip to Brighton with my class for 5 days. We have known about this trip for 2 years, during this time I have been very exited since I have always wanted to go there and I wish to move to London in about 9 months. This dream of mine made it possible for me to actually enjoy my time despite my depression. For 5 days I felt good and finally at home. For as long as I can remember I have never felt like I belong anywhere, but once I got there I did. Anyhow, we stayed at a little hostel about 200 meters from the Brighton Pier which was marvelous. Our first day we spent eating cream tea and wondering around the Royal Pavilion and afterwards we went to the University of Sussex. Walking the grounds of the school was like being in a teenage film but at the same time it all seemed very natural.

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Day 2 we rented a bus that took us to the Roman vila in Bignor. The remainings of the house were incredible. The mosaic floors were beautiful and the architecture was amazing, it is extraordinary how they could build such wonders. Later we ate lunch in Chichester were me and a friend wondered the ground of a ruin that used to be a castle. Since it was closed for the season we unfortunately were not aloud to see much. Then we took of to Chawton to visit the house in which Jane Austen lived with her family. It was a good feeling walking the grounds were she used to live, it gave you a form of insight about how her life was.

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The third day was a day were we got to choose where we wanted to go whereof my friends and I decided to go to London. To see the Big Ben and London Eye with your own eyes was fantastic, after we took a stroll along Oxford street.

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The next day we rented the bus again and went to Hastings and Battle. Charming little towns. Hastings I found highly beautiful but we did not get to see much of Battle more than the place where ‘the battle of Hastings’ took place which laid by an exquisite school.

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The fifth and last day me and my best friend decided to spend at the Brighton Pier were we spent some time in the arcade. We also went on the rollar coaster called ‘Horror Hotel’ since I asked her, Halloween and everything supernatural has always fascinated me. Later we had lunch together just the two of us. We sat at the stairs down to the beach eating fish and chips, honestly it was one of my favorite moments during our entire trip. For a moment everything was toned down, calm, good and just simply beautiful. None of us wanted to loose that feeling which is why we went to a café so we could have some more alone time. I felt sad leaving, for the first time ever had I felt like this and once we got on to the airplane I was afraid I might never return. Hopefully I will, maybe as soon as a few months.

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