Panic Attacks

During the last few months I have gotten a lot of panic attacks, although I do not notice them until it is too late to stop them from reaching the surface. It feels like I’m suffocating. I do not know why they occur more than the fact that I suffer from anxiety. Also lately it feels like everything is fading, at least all my feelings. I feel nothing or I do not wish to know the feelings that hit me. The people who have called themselves my friends, are slowly drifting away, leaving me alone. Only one truly remains. The worst part is that I cannot let my feelings out. Either I am ‘home’ were I have to live amongst my family who do not know me, or I am at work were I cannot be sad. Although some of my colleagues know because I told them while having a panic attack. It felt good, and I feel good when I’m around them. Unlike another colleague, whom I’ve only met once before, who for some reason do not seem to like me at all. Today she made me feel useless and idiotic to the verge of tears. I kept telling myself to keep it together but all I wanted was to run away. Once I got ‘home’ I had another panic attack, this one was smaller thankfully. Why is this happening? I cannot answer that question more than I already have. Maybe right now they occur since I have been bottling up my feelings and thoughts over the last month. Maybe I should take a day of from my life and let all of it out. But I am scared of the outcome.

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Once a Victim, Now a Survivor

After having a pretty bad week with lots of work, dark thoughts and a massive lack of sleep I got a notification from I Will Not Live In Vain who has nominated me for the award “Once a Victim, Now a Survivor”. First I did not understand what it said but when it hit me I felt a lack of words, this warm feeling also appeared inside my chest, like someone actually believed in me. I probably started smiling like a fool but I did not mind it a bit.

once-a-victim-now-a-survivor-award

This award is for those who have gone through mental illness of any kind, abuse, trauma, and especially PTSD. Here are the rules:

1.Thank the blogger that nominated you.

2.Nominate 5 – 10 bloggers to pass the award to.

3.Post questions for your nominees to answer (You may use the same as these below)

4.Inform your nominees and post a comment in their blog to let them know they’ve been nominated.

My nominees for this award are:

Here are the questions for my nominees. Feel free to skip any questions that you want to. You can fill in your own questions as you feel appropriate.

1.  In what way do you feel that blogging can help people with psychological trauma or mental illness?

2. How has blogging helped you with your healing, or personal journey?

3. Do you have any advice for a person who has a hard time understanding their emotions?

My answers:

1.What part does blogging play in your healing process?

Writing in general helps me to think, and combining it with music as I always do I find it as an escape from reality. Considering the fact that I’m usually writing on my novell I have been working on for several years that sometimes feels like my real life, as if they have switched places. Blogging though helps me to put words to my inner thoughts. My counselor sometimes askes me to explain what I feel in words which I find very hard, but now I have realized that that is what I do here. I am putting words to all my dark thoughts and emotions even though no one may read it. I have told my story or at least parts of it several times now, sometimes forced and sometimes by choice. When I talk about it to others than my closest friends I always feel like I miss out on important parts but when I write everything is crystal clear. It is like I am explaining my depression to myself, how it feels and how it works, and it helps me to process and understand it.

2.What do you feel was/is your best resource in your journey to getting better?

Honestly writing. Writing gives you this freedom where no rules apply and you have the power to create anything. Feeling trapped within my own body and life for the most part since I was 11 and like the only thing I was worth was dying, this brings me great joy since I don’t have to be myself. I can write what I want and choose whether I should post it or not. One of my biggest dreams is to become a published writer and I am fighting for that every day. Lots of people have put me down for it, most of all my parents to be true. I lose myself in writing, everything else but the text and thoughts i my head about what I could ad or delete becomes a blur or irrelevant. All my depressed and dark thoughts disappear until I decide to write about it. While writing and listening to music I feel undeniably and unbelievably happy.

3.Would you recommend blogging to someone who suffered from mental illness/PTSD? Why?

Suffering from any kind of mental disorder is like being dragged through hell and back. Speaking from personal experience I know how hard it can be talking about it, especially for the first time. But talking/writing about it is like letting go of this big rock you have been carrying around for so long. It dose not have to be good, the important thing is that you get it out there in the open so you yourself can understand your feelings. Blogging is just one way of many to do that but it also gives you a chance to meet others who are going through similar happenings. That way you might get insight on other people’s feelings and thoughts which resembles your own which might help you to understand yourself.